Personal: Fear and doubt

Written by the butchelor

Topics: Personal

A few weeks ago, I met a handful of guys from a local FTM group to see a movie, and it was the first time ever that I was referred to using male pronouns. It was weird and exciting and… really kind of AMAZING. They also called me by my chosen male name, and for that entire evening I was just one of the guys. Hanging with m’boys. Guy’s night OUT!!! YEEEAH!

*ahem*

It was cool.

πŸ˜‰

BUT. It also stirred-up a lot of new fears…

I didn’t exactly know how to be “one of the guys”. I didn’t know which restroom to use – so I didn’t go at all. I felt like everyone in the movie theater somehow knew that we/THEY weren’t “real” men – especially with me there. I definitely felt a little out of place since I’m pre-op and pre-T, and I felt like I outed them just by being with them. I didn’t feel the confidence that I’ve developed as a masculine female. It felt new and scary. I felt like *I* was judging them. ME. I was judging myself. A VERSION of myself that didn’t even exist yet…

I couldn’t help but notice their deep voices and their height. Their facial hair and their hands… and their receding hairlines. It was like I wanted to absorb everything they were representing. everything they ARE… and try it on – like a shirt at TJ Maxx… only I was afraid that it wouldn’t fit β€” and then I’d be left again with no answers. no direction. and no idea what to do next.

I saw enough of myself in them to realize that I DO want to keep moving in this direction. Unfortunately, what I saw also created a tiny seed of doubt.

But you know, I think doubt is a natural part of fear, and fear is a natural part of change. So, I’m really trying to not freak out too much over any doubts that I’m experiencing. I know I’ll end-up at “Z” eventually, but right now I’m only at “D” and I’m going to try to ONLY to worry about “E” – and not overwhelm myself with my fears associated with “Q” and “R” and “S”.

I’ll get there eventually… one baby step at a time.

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