I’m SO sorry that (once again) I kinda fell off the planet… it’s definitely been a stressful few weeks, and I just haven’t found the focus/energy to write — even though I really have wanted to.
I guess I’m also a little frustrated with myself for not making more progress on the coming out front. If I take a minute to step outside of myself and my fears and my transition experience in general — it really doesn’t seem like it should be taking me this long.
Of course, I realize there’s no set rules or guidelines for this process, but at the same time I can’t help but feel like sometimes I’m falling behind in transition-school. 🙂
On the upside, I DID finish and send out a letter to my extended circle of friends a couple of weeks, and overall the response I’ve received has been overwhelmingly positive! I seriously have some INCREDIBLE friends, and I feel crazy lucky to have the support that I do from them.
The roller coaster of emotions I experienced during THAT phase of coming out was friggin’ exhausting, though… Honestly, I was so emotionally spent at the end of the week I didn’t even want to look at another email or read a blog or watch a video and I *certainly* didn’t want to write about any if it. It was like I didn’t quite know WHAT to do… so, I did what I typically do best in those situations: a whole lotta nothin’!
Ah, I *say* I did nothing, but that’s not completely true. I did read a little… and I… “processed”… and I’ve spent a lot of time talking about it — A. lot. My friends are amazing, but a lot of them had questions. So, I spent some time listening and reassuring and recounting.
For the most part, it’s just felt a little like I’ve been moving in slow motion and slightly disconnected from — reality. Everything. Everyone. Of course, that could ALSO be due to the fact that I’ve been self-medicating a bit with ye ol’ marijuanas. So, who knows for sure? I tend to believe that it’s just my brain’s way of decompressing and managing the stress and anxiety of this process, but of course it was also an EPICALLY frightening experience, so… yeah. There was a lot of smoking that particular week.
I really think that I’m going to see my doctor about some REAL anti-anxiety meds to get me through the next few months of conversations and confrontations. Otherwise, I really don’t know how I’m going to do this… I can’t just be freakin’ high all the time. As much as I’ve wished that I COULD lately — the past couple of weeks especially— I know better… I mean, c’mon, people! 😉 I’ve got a blog to write and some transitionin’ to do! AND (hellooo) a career to maintain… So, I’m not going to blaze myself into oblivion every single night… Eh, well, mostly. Seriously, it’s a matter of mental well-being at the moment, and I definitely need all the help I can get… but still.
A lot of people responded to my friend letter with extremely kind and supportive emails and they used words like: courageous and brave and inspirational. And I really had NO idea how to process how I felt about those perceptions… Don’t get me wrong—it’s certainly a “warm and fuzzy” day when you can receive notes of unconditional love and support from a group of very important people in your life. I mean, I *highly* recommend it! 😉 It’s kiiiinda the best therapy EVER. But you know, no one should have to wait until they’re dead or risking everything and everyone in order to be true to themselves to find out how much their friends love them. Seriously. Go ahead and send a “just because” note to some-important-someone. Go ahead! Do it now. Maybe someone you haven’t seen in a year—or ten!—But you know you could pick up right where you left off… and no matter what, that friendship can stand the test of time… and test of transition.
All of that to say… repeatedly hearing that people see you as brave and courageous is a little awkward when REALLY, you know what a giant chicken shit you are! ha 😉
ESPECIALLY when I turn around a take a look at my equally-epic LACK of progress with coming out to my family and at work… every time I think think about it my fear(s) takes over and I start negotiating with myself… I start thinking things like “should I even bother continuing with my transition?” or “Is there somehow a way I could NOT have to tell them??” or “Can I rethink my idea of transition to somehow be all things to all people?!!”
Yeah. Just one big counterproductive loop of fears and questioning right now.
Ridiculous stuff. Feelings and reactions that are based on nothing but stupid FEAR… Gah! That’s my dirty 4-letter word now. And the most frustrating part is I have absolutely NO idea how to move past it. I KNOW I will feel immense relief and that *maybe* all of this worrying is probably going to end-up being FAR worse than the actual conversation or aftermath… or… not…
And *that* is where the negotiating usually begins.
Ugh. I don’t know.
Maybe the answer IS medication (PROPER medication)… maybe the answer is — what? Heh, I need to call my therapist. Obviously.
I keep telling myself to just “man up” and do it already!!! And I suppose it *should* be as easy as that, right? I mean, just fucking DO it. Do SOMETHING. Take a step, dude… just one tiny step...
Okay, okay… I know. I DID take a step — just a couple of weeks ago, and a pretty big one at that!
I guess that’s just yet *another* frustrating part — that, even after that great, big step (and all of the anxiety and stress and freaking out that came with it), it was just the beginning… And even with as hard as it was to do, it was EASY compared to what I have to do next.
I know that these are the moments that I’ll be looking back on in a few years… Character-defining, strengthening moments. One of those “make or break moments” we all hear about, and I KNOW it will be worth it.
I hate that this is kind of a downer of a post — especially after such a long time without any new news, and again this is something that I initially wrote almost a week and a half ago, but I’ve struggled with posting it. I know I don’t just want to write about the exciting/fun/happy stuff. Hell, the HARD stuff is the GOOD stuff, right?! The hard stuff is what has me searching through YouTube videos and blogs to find people who’ve dealt with it all before me… I guess I just have a lot of self-judgment surrounding this issue, and I’m caught between feeling embarrassed and frustrated and just fucking ready to get through it. I really have spent a large part of the last few weeks really kicking myself over the fact that is IS such a struggle… and then that, in turn, creates doubt. Once the fear kicks in its two cents, it’s all over and before I know it, I’m negotiating the terms of my transition with some unknown, non-existent person! Or, more accurately, I’m anticipating and assuming the worst to the point that I’m just fighting those battles with myself.
Fucked up, right?
But… never once have I doubted a dose of testosterone. Never once have I thought that I would (or could) stop. That means something and it definitely carries more weight than all my fears and questions put together. So I just keep taking those baby steps, and try my damnedest to ignore my biggest adversary in all of this so far… Me.