Sometimes I wish I’d just been born male… or female – or “straight”… non-queer… WHATEVER. As long as it was at least, like, 90% “something” and without question. Of course, then I remind myself that SURELY there’s a reason that *this* is my journey. That this fucked-up mess of gender and sexuality is all part of what makes me ME, and it’s a necessary part of my life. I tell myself that otherwise I’d be just like everyone else.. and that’s a GOOD thing, right?! Who wants to be just like everyone else? I wouldn’t have the empathy or the compassion or hell, the sense of humor that I have – because I wouldn’t know what it’s like to be different… I convince myself that THIS part of me is somehow important. That I’m supposed to be on this road… and I’m supposed to suffer the things I’ve suffered. I tell myself that there’s a REASON. Because what if all of this was for no reason at all? What then?
It kind of pains me to think of that possibility, actually. I can’t comprehend WHY… why are some people one way and others— so, VERY different?
I want there to be a REASON. I need there to be an answer when I ask, “WHY?”
Why do some of us have this burden – of course, my sympathetic side retorts (immediately) with “everyone has their own burden to bear”. Fuck. Of course! Duh. I REALIZE that… stupid brain. I’m not trying to undermine anyone else’s burden/journey/whatEVER… but fuck, this is MY blog, and I’m talking about ME right now, okay?
I just don’t understand why it’s an issue? From the fact that THIS *issue* exists at ALL (for me) to the fact that it IS an issue (socially, morally, religiously… and of course, by “issue”, I mean– why is it “wrong”?). Why is it that I have to fight to have an existence that even remotely resembles normalcy? Why does my life have to be a fucking personal/political/social/religious fucking WAR?? I just want to live my life and not have to worry about who I’m attracted to or what kind of clothes I wear or the fact that I have fucking BOOBS that I hate. For just one fucking day, I want to live like “everyone else”… I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to worry about my future or my family or how I can’t even be the person I want to be for fear of losing my job/life/family/friends. I’m just fucking TIRED of the mental battle… I’ve NEVER *not* fought it. I’ve NEVER not struggled or WORRIED or cried or or stressed or PRAYED about it… It’s exhausting, and I’m fucking tired of it.
Sometimes I DO want to be like “everyone else”. Sometimes I just want to be “NORMAL”—whatever the fuck that means… a “normal” person with “normal” issues.
I know I’m just being a big baby right now, and this is all part of it, right? Ugh. I promised myself that I’d try my damnedest to live honestly and authentically – here, on this website, if anywhere. I’m SO tempted to not even post this or to make it private, but I’m not going to… fuck it.
It’s not all roses and rainbows. As much as my optimistic self hates to admit it… it’s just not.