Despite my fears and the many hurdles I still have yet to face, my therapist told me that I am ready (YEEEE!!! ::puke::)
I was shocked and surprised and excited and scared, and I simultaneously experienced waves of thrill AND nausea.
I was expecting to be months away from anything… I was expecting that she would need to see me for several more sessions or that she’d insist that I come out at work first or that I start using men’s rooms full-time or tell my family or SOMETHING before being able to proceed.
So, I was floored when she told me that I could go ahead and schedule my chest surgery consultation and that I would be free to start HRT as soon as I was ready.
My mind was (and IS) racing with thoughts and fears (growing even BIGGER and more real now)
Part of me feels like I’m not ready (mentally), but I’m just going to keep moving and taking those baby steps that have gotten me this far already.
I keep finding myself mentally writing that letter to my family – to my mom specifically – in the shower. In the car on my way to work… daydreaming and mentally arranging bullet points when I lose focus at work or while watching TV at night. Especially now, after spending a full day with members of my extended family over Mother’s Day weekend. I found myself picturing how that visit might look after I’ve been on testosterone for a year. I tried imagining (anticipating) the reactions of those family members I so seldom see anyway, and I kept questioning why it would even matter what they thought… and, of course – it doesn’t. Not for ME, anyway. But it will matter for my Mom and my Dad. For them, the opinions of these people DO matter, and for them—my relationships with these people IS important. It definitely matters.
If I had no family to consider, there would be nothing to consider at all. It would be easy.
For the most part, right now – I’m compartmentalizing the process, and I’m trying to focus on what I want and I’m REALLY trying not to think about those on the outside looking in (family, friends, co-workers, etc.). If I can keep everyone who has (and WILL have) a differing opinion in a separate place, mentally, and just keep taking the steps that I want (and NEED) to take— I figure they’ll catch up and deal with it (or not) eventually. For now, I have to make the choices. I have to take these steps on my own and figure out what’s next for me.
SO! What the hell is next?!
I go back to see Therapist 2.0 one week from today. I’m excited to tell her that I saw Dr. Raphael, and that I’m exploring options for financing/begging/borrowing/stealing the money to fund my chest surgery. I’m also anticipating an endo referral and maybe (HOPEFULLY) getting my recommendation letters from her on this visit… I’m also looking forward (eh. not really, but it’s a necessary part of my journey, I know) to talking more about my family and work situations and sharing with her the progress I’ve made on my list of resources AND on the letter I plan on sending to my family.
I can’t quite wrap my mind around the fact that my life will no longer be this separate, secret thing… that, for the first time EVER, my parents are going to know who I am.
Scary, scary — insanely scary stuff.
No wonder I want to keep it compartmentalized for as long as possible… ah, the safety and comfort of familial ignorance. My entire life has been spent inside that bubble. For better or worse, it’s all that I know, and the idea of bursting it wide open scares the shit out of me… but I know I won’t be able to hide in there forever. Especially not now.