I want to apologize for the lack of content the last few… um, weeks… dammit – months.
I promise I’ll try not to go *that* long again. I really DO appreciate the small group of readers that I was beginning to see returning (and subscribing), and I don’t want to let you (or myself!) down. Although, I must admit that having the “pressure” of knowing that people were actually reading – exacerbated my procrastination… I know. I know. It doesn’t make sense to me either, but it is what it is… I’ve been rebelling. It’s just “what I do” when I feel pressure/stress that I can’t (or don’t want to) manage. I’m working on it, but for now – that’s exactly what happened.
Well… that, and – I’m in a rut. Definitely. And ruts cause me to feel unmotivated and uninspired – WHICH is ALSO a (terrible, SUCKY, craptastic) pattern for me, but I still have no idea how to pull myself out of it when it happens.
During these moments of rut-ness and creative/inspiration blockage – it’s frustrating, but I never know exactly what to do about it. Instead, I get overwhelmed, and I don’t do much of anything… I just wait it out. I know it probably not the best (or most proactive solution) – I mean, clearly. Duh. Because it’s actually NOT a solution at all… It’s rebellious and it’s lazy. And I hate being those things more than I hate being uninspired and blocked… but whatever. Here I am — not doing a damn thing… ah, except for that fact that I’ve now written and published THIS post (finally)… so, that’s *something* right??! 🙂
ALSO… I haven’t seen Dr. Therapist in over a month, and I certainly feel a bit stalled regarding my transition. Stalled… and in a rut… and unmotivated and uninspired ANNND – like I have very little control over any of it… (whew)… See? Yet another reason that I’ve not been writing! Hell, I’m depressing MYSELF.
At any rate — I DO feel guilty. I started this blog with such vigor and gusto and —like with many things in my life— it fizzled almost as fast as it started. Trust that I’m trying to get back on track — with this blog, with my life AND with my transition… It’s just hard sometimes to keep it all together and to continue taking those tiny, minuscule baby steps, you know? Sometimes it’s just easier to just throw life on auto-pilot and simply exist in that damned rut… But I suppose that’s a universal truth – no matter what your situation or the details surrounding your life/issues isn’t it?
So, for now – just know that I haven’t forgotten about you or this blog… or anything – I’m just fighting my way out of a ridiculous, rebellious rut, and I don’t want to bore you with the depressing, inconsequential details of that struggle 🙂