I’ve been trying to post for the last week and a half – in fact, I think this post makes a grand total of FIVE attempts. Yeeeeeah, I’ve started and subsequently BAILED on five different topics (don’t worry, they’re saved as Drafts, so maybe they’ll get finished… Eventually.).
I really want to write SOMETHING to document my three weeks on testosterone though, but honestly there’s just not a whole lot to report… But still, I know what it’s like to be searching for specifics on each week (from YouTube to blogs). Desperately seeking details of each week’s changes — something to judge where I am, against other guy’s changes. Or to see what i can expect in week four…
I know it’s important — for myself AND for countless other out there who are ALSO in week three or week two or week one… or whatever.
So. Three Weeks + 1 day! What can I say?
• Voice: I don’t really think my voice is any lower, BUT it does feel like I have access to a lower register… if that makes any sense?! Singing definitely feels weird, and I don’t feel like I have the same control that I used to. My throat has also been scratchy and sore. Not in a “sicky-sore-throat” way, but more of a weird achy way… right around the Adam’s Apple area—just… achy, and it feels like I have a lump in my throat when I swallow. It hasn’t been cracking (that I’ve noticed), but then again – I really don’t talk *that* much during the week.
• Hair Growth: No noticeable changes in hair growth. Everything seems to be about the same color/amount/thickness. I’ve been moderately hairy all along, so I’m sure it’ll take awhile…
• Downstairs Growth: Eh, again – nothing major. I certainly notice “it” more, but that might have more to do with my increased libido…?
• Libido: Yowza! Yes. BIG increase — the biggest physical change that I’ve noticed, actually. I’ve always had a fairly healthy sex drive, but in the months leading up to starting testosterone I’d been dealing with some depression, and my sex-drive was non-existent (and honestly, I’m sure I’m still clinically depressed, but the libido issue is certainly no longer a factor in gauging it). It’s VERY existent now… very.
• Muscle/Fat Redistribution: Again, nothing noticeable, but I do feel stronger, and like the other… um, “growth area” — I’m more aware of my muscles in my body. I’ve also been very stretch-y… just constantly feeling the need to stretch. I have no idea if it’s T-related, but there you have it. Unfortunately, I haven’t been going to the gym like I’d hoped I would — so, I know I’m not seeing the results that I COULD be. Oh, and I weighed myself this morning; I’ve gained 10lbs (woot.) since starting T, BUT I haven’t really been eating any differently so I’m hoping it’s just muscle?
• Face: Pretty sure there’s been no change in my facial structure. I look the same 🙂
• Acne: Sucks… My face has been breaking out like crazy this last week. Deep, cystic zits all along my chin line and in super-fun random places – like my nose, cheeks and up in my sideburn area by my ears. Yea. Hoorayyyyy puberty.
• Bathrooms: My bathroom paranoia is getting sooooo MUCH worse now. Even though the physical changes aren’t *that* dramatic — I think the fact that I’m AWARE that they’re happening makes me even more aware of how out of place I am… everywhere. But especially in public restrooms. Pretty sure I’m gonna have to suck it up and start using the men’s room before too long. I’m just afraid that my chest (even with binding) will give me away. Funny, though, that it doesn’t give me away in the women’s room, right?! So, who knows!?
• Friends (that I’m out to): For the most part everyone has been amazing. They’re trying VERY hard to eliminate my birth name and some have started replacing pronouns — even though I haven’t really made that a big deal. I do appreciate their efforts very much, and I realize that my transition is EVERYONE’S transition.
• Friends (that I’m NOT out to): I’ve definitely been feeling a more urgent need to come out to my extended circle(s) of friends… it just feels so random unless I see you on a regular (or even semi-regular) basis. I know a big part of my hesitation is fear… Damn you, fear. Another is just being generally unsure about how to initiate the conversation — an email? I guess that’s probably the best option, but it just feels weird. I need to do it soon though.
• Family: Ugh… this accounts for at least 2 of my unfinished blog posts, and I can’t even write about, now, in bullet-form. Fuck. It’s just so fucking difficult, and I’m seriously struggling with it. Like, seriously, seriously, seriously. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through this… but I will. Somehow. I have to.
• Work: This ALSO accounts for 2 of the unfinished posts. It’s causing *almost* as much anxiety as coming out to my family, and I’ve certainly been working my way though a lot of “Is is worth it?” moments. Despite ALL of the shit/fear/struggles, I KNOW it’s worth it… but the shit/fears/struggles do suck. They suck a lot, but hell, what is success without the struggle, right?! I never expected that it would be easy. Most things worth doing aren’t.
• Emotions: I’ve noticed that I’m not as weepy as I was before… I have the same emotions, the same stress, but I seem to be processing them differently. I don’t know exactly what it is, and while I definitely feel JUST as emotional as I was, I’m just not crying about that stuff now. Maybe it’s simply because I’m beyond tears at this point… I don’t know. I AM having a hard time getting stuff out. I really don’t want to talk about it or write about it. I just want to sit with it. It could be the depression/stress or it could be related to the testosterone; I’m really not sure.
Hmm, okay kids! I think that’s about it… I’ll update this post of I think of anything else that’s relevant.
Have a great weekend! 🙂